Sometimes I’m confused because in another side I feel like an extrovert too. I like to be alone , I have many friends but only ”friends’ which don’t get to know me and I never feel comfortable to be around. The actual ones are very few or even don’t exist. Yeah I gain power in silent but also there comes a time when I feel lonely and start thinking that I might need a friend because no one around really understand me. People say introvert is not about shyness but I think sometimes it is . It’s like when I actually really want to make friend at least I want to say hi but It’s too hard to initiate the conversation first and I end up loving being alone and alone again.
Hi Nazla. Humans are social animals, and introverts are of course human. It’s not unusual for an introvert to feel lonely, and to want to stop feeling lonely.
I still maintain that introversion is not the same as shy. Shy people may not initiate a conversation because they’re afraid of rejection while introverts may not initiate a conversation because they’re not sure it will be worth it.
Most of the important things in life are hard. If you really want good friends don’t let the difficulty of reaching out stop you.
Very good article! Right now I’m trying to figure out what exactly is going on in my head…
I believe I am also an introvert, as I am usually most comfortable by myself (and being around too many people at once kind of stresses me out, even though I don’t show it), but I guess I am also shy in the sense that I’m not just going to go up to a stranger and start a conversation. Since this is something that I’m trying to overcome, I wrote a blog post about it to kind of work through my thoughts on the matter. (I don’t know what your policy is on links, but here it is if you would like to read it…)
I found writing it kind of therapeutic… and I figured out that I relied heavily on things like school or work for making friends (environments where you are forced to interact and see the same people every day). But after I leave those environments, I have trouble keeping those friendships alive. I think it’s because the friendships never extended outside of school/work in the first place.
Anyway, sorry for rambling 😉 this comment ended up a lot longer than I planned.
Hi. Thanks for comment! I hear this a lot – that it’s hard to make friends after graduating. I’m confident that you can come up with the courage to make new friends and the ideas of where to find them.
I’ve only recently discovered that I am an introvert; That it’s not something weird about me, it’s actually my personality.
There is such a negative stigma attached to it that I have found in my own house(my mother thinks she failed at raising me properly.) I have the same problem with being great with socializing at work but sucking outside of it. Banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why. It is me? It is me but in the sense that I am barking up the wrong tree and having high expectations.
For forever I thought there was something wrong with me. What does it mean when your at an event/party and song you really like comes on but you don’t go to the dance floor. Introversion, shyness? I think I am mostly introverted a little shy but very outgoing and bubbly(someone actually described me as that) in the right circumstances.
Hi Gini. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with high expectations, but I think unrealistic high expectations can make life very frustrating.
If you routinely don’t go on the dance floor even though you want to, and don’t participate in other social things even though you want to, then it sounds like you’re shy. From your description it’s hard for me to know if you’re a shy introvert or shy extrovert.
My problem is not “how” to make more friends, but “where” to find other introverts vs. more extroverts.
As you’ve said, introversion is not the same as shy. I have a million extroverted friends and keep making more. It’s easy to make friends in general. But I can’t find introverts. The extroverts go to the shared interest groups and other gatherings and so do I, hoping to find at least one true introverted friend, and instead I end up with 6 more extroverts wanting me to join their carpools of 20 people all going to loud events all weekend.
I love having that special one-on-one friendship with another who has deeper conversations, really tunes in, and you spend ongoing time with just that person. Each encounter builds on the last one, and each can actually remember a lot of what the other said the last time.
At one time my late husband was that friend for me (I’m a younger widow). Another time it was a female friend who has since moved out of state. Currently, I have close to 42 friends in real life and at least 50 more I can connect with as online friends. They do not fulfill my social needs. I want that one or two special others that I go places with where we’re not swept up by a mob of extroverts who engulf us and try to cast groupthink spells on us or accuse us of being shy and in need of reform (by them) when they find us hiding under a table plugging our ears because if we hear one more minute of incessant directionless, meaningless chatter we’ll explode.
I agree that all friendship’s usually start with small talk and I have reserves for short amounts of it, like 15 or 20 minutes with one nice other person vs. 6 hours with 30 others at the same time.
So for me not how, or when, but where. And yes, I’ve looked under tables before in case there’s another holding her ears. No luck so faar.
I have so many questions for you. What kind of shared interest groups do you go to? What’s the reaction of those 42 friends when you invite them to lunch or a museum, just the two of you? How do you know the other people aren’t introverts?
One large-scale study claims that 50% of the US population are introverts so I think it’s very likely that some of the people you’ve come across are introverts who think that extroverting is normal and so they shove themselves into that mold.
Last month I met up with three of my friends who are introverts. Here’s where I had met each of them:
*Twitter (saw she also lived in the same city so I tweeted hello to her)
*A knitting group
*A chamber of commerce sort of meeting.
btw, the imagery of us hiding under table holding our ears is great.
Sometimes I’m confused because in another side I feel like an extrovert too. I like to be alone , I have many friends but only ”friends’ which don’t get to know me and I never feel comfortable to be around. The actual ones are very few or even don’t exist. Yeah I gain power in silent but also there comes a time when I feel lonely and start thinking that I might need a friend because no one around really understand me. People say introvert is not about shyness but I think sometimes it is . It’s like when I actually really want to make friend at least I want to say hi but It’s too hard to initiate the conversation first and I end up loving being alone and alone again.
Hi Nazla. Humans are social animals, and introverts are of course human. It’s not unusual for an introvert to feel lonely, and to want to stop feeling lonely.
I still maintain that introversion is not the same as shy. Shy people may not initiate a conversation because they’re afraid of rejection while introverts may not initiate a conversation because they’re not sure it will be worth it.
Most of the important things in life are hard. If you really want good friends don’t let the difficulty of reaching out stop you.
Very good article! Right now I’m trying to figure out what exactly is going on in my head…
I believe I am also an introvert, as I am usually most comfortable by myself (and being around too many people at once kind of stresses me out, even though I don’t show it), but I guess I am also shy in the sense that I’m not just going to go up to a stranger and start a conversation. Since this is something that I’m trying to overcome, I wrote a blog post about it to kind of work through my thoughts on the matter. (I don’t know what your policy is on links, but here it is if you would like to read it…)
I found writing it kind of therapeutic… and I figured out that I relied heavily on things like school or work for making friends (environments where you are forced to interact and see the same people every day). But after I leave those environments, I have trouble keeping those friendships alive. I think it’s because the friendships never extended outside of school/work in the first place.
Anyway, sorry for rambling 😉 this comment ended up a lot longer than I planned.
Hi. Thanks for comment! I hear this a lot – that it’s hard to make friends after graduating. I’m confident that you can come up with the courage to make new friends and the ideas of where to find them.
I’ve only recently discovered that I am an introvert; That it’s not something weird about me, it’s actually my personality.
There is such a negative stigma attached to it that I have found in my own house(my mother thinks she failed at raising me properly.) I have the same problem with being great with socializing at work but sucking outside of it. Banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why. It is me? It is me but in the sense that I am barking up the wrong tree and having high expectations.
For forever I thought there was something wrong with me. What does it mean when your at an event/party and song you really like comes on but you don’t go to the dance floor. Introversion, shyness? I think I am mostly introverted a little shy but very outgoing and bubbly(someone actually described me as that) in the right circumstances.
Hi Gini. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with high expectations, but I think unrealistic high expectations can make life very frustrating.
If you routinely don’t go on the dance floor even though you want to, and don’t participate in other social things even though you want to, then it sounds like you’re shy. From your description it’s hard for me to know if you’re a shy introvert or shy extrovert.
This is super helpful, mostly because I know I’m not alone in being introverted.
I will take your advice- from the article and see how it goes.
You are definitely not alone in being introverted! I hope it goes well, Sam.
My problem is not “how” to make more friends, but “where” to find other introverts vs. more extroverts.
As you’ve said, introversion is not the same as shy. I have a million extroverted friends and keep making more. It’s easy to make friends in general. But I can’t find introverts. The extroverts go to the shared interest groups and other gatherings and so do I, hoping to find at least one true introverted friend, and instead I end up with 6 more extroverts wanting me to join their carpools of 20 people all going to loud events all weekend.
I love having that special one-on-one friendship with another who has deeper conversations, really tunes in, and you spend ongoing time with just that person. Each encounter builds on the last one, and each can actually remember a lot of what the other said the last time.
At one time my late husband was that friend for me (I’m a younger widow). Another time it was a female friend who has since moved out of state. Currently, I have close to 42 friends in real life and at least 50 more I can connect with as online friends. They do not fulfill my social needs. I want that one or two special others that I go places with where we’re not swept up by a mob of extroverts who engulf us and try to cast groupthink spells on us or accuse us of being shy and in need of reform (by them) when they find us hiding under a table plugging our ears because if we hear one more minute of incessant directionless, meaningless chatter we’ll explode.
I agree that all friendship’s usually start with small talk and I have reserves for short amounts of it, like 15 or 20 minutes with one nice other person vs. 6 hours with 30 others at the same time.
So for me not how, or when, but where. And yes, I’ve looked under tables before in case there’s another holding her ears. No luck so faar.
Hi Brenda.
That sounds very frustrating and annoying.
I have so many questions for you. What kind of shared interest groups do you go to? What’s the reaction of those 42 friends when you invite them to lunch or a museum, just the two of you? How do you know the other people aren’t introverts?
One large-scale study claims that 50% of the US population are introverts so I think it’s very likely that some of the people you’ve come across are introverts who think that extroverting is normal and so they shove themselves into that mold.
Last month I met up with three of my friends who are introverts. Here’s where I had met each of them:
*Twitter (saw she also lived in the same city so I tweeted hello to her)
*A knitting group
*A chamber of commerce sort of meeting.
btw, the imagery of us hiding under table holding our ears is great.