For many of us, making friends isn’t easy. We’re content to stay at home, by ourselves. And we’re happy like that … most of the time. But there can be times when our solitude begins to feel like a cage.
Wanting friends does not mean you aren’t an authentic introvert. Wanting new friends (or a friend) just means you aren’t a misanthrope.
So if you’re out of practice or are out of ideas, here are a few things to keep in mind about making friends as an introvert:
- Realize that you want to make friends. And not just “kind of want.” “Kind of” doesn’t make things happen.
- Ditch a desperation mindset. Turn desperation into hope.
- Make a list of 5 places people with your same interests go (in person or online). If you have no interests make a list of where anyone goes when they leave the house or chat online. You can find a friend at your work’s cafeteria, in line at a grocery store, at a friend’s party, volunteering at the animal shelter, on Facebook in the form of an old classmate, in chat rooms for readers of Sherlock fan fiction, etc.
- What mindsets need to change in order to show up to that place with an open and nonjudgemental (of yourself or others) mind, and with the only expectation being that you will meet people, not that you will make a friend.
- Make sure you factor in enough downtime before and after you get out there.
- Realize that for most people, friendships can take a while to form. Don’t push a possible friendship. Do acknowledge and be interested in other people and what they are saying. You may click with a few people the first time, you may click with no one. So start showing up at places with no expectations. You don’t have to impress anyone, you don’t even have to talk to anyone. The first step is showing up.
- It’s ok if you’re anxious about going to new places and doing new thing. It’s ok if you’re shy. Just don’t let those things control your life.
- Learn to tolerate smalltalk. I know, it’s the bane of our existence, but conversations have to start somewhere and most of the time it’s with smalltalk.
- Be open to others. If someone smiles, smile back. Sometimes that’s the end of the interaction. Sometimes the smile turns into a conversation. Sometimes it turns into an annoyance (like being hit on or asked for money). But you’ll never know if you don’t smile back.
- Have a plan. What are a few ways to express an interest in another person? Can you ask them if you can connect on Facebook? What about giving them your email and telling them that you’d love to keep in touch. If the person is likely to be in the same place the next day or the next week (like a store clerk or a fellow volunteer) you can end a conversation with “see you next week!”
- Don’t take rejection personally. Do you want to be friends with everyone? If you’re an introvert, I’m guessing the answer is a big No. The person you’re talking to may have too many friends as it is. They may be a sociopath misanthrope. You have no way of knowing so it’s best not to guess and take it personally.
- Realize that hard things get easier the more you practice. Don’t give up.
Having no friends is nothing to be ashamed about, and wanting a friend (or new friends) is nothing to be ashamed about either. There are friends out there for you, but you may need some patience, luck, and a whole lot of showing up until you find them. It’ll be worth it.
p.s. Did you know I’m collecting signatures to challenge dictionaries which define introvert as shy? Go here to sign: https://introvertology.com/500-petition-signatures/
Sometimes I’m confused because in another side I feel like an extrovert too. I like to be alone , I have many friends but only ”friends’ which don’t get to know me and I never feel comfortable to be around. The actual ones are very few or even don’t exist. Yeah I gain power in silent but also there comes a time when I feel lonely and start thinking that I might need a friend because no one around really understand me. People say introvert is not about shyness but I think sometimes it is . It’s like when I actually really want to make friend at least I want to say hi but It’s too hard to initiate the conversation first and I end up loving being alone and alone again.
Hi Nazla. Humans are social animals, and introverts are of course human. It’s not unusual for an introvert to feel lonely, and to want to stop feeling lonely.
I still maintain that introversion is not the same as shy. Shy people may not initiate a conversation because they’re afraid of rejection while introverts may not initiate a conversation because they’re not sure it will be worth it.
Most of the important things in life are hard. If you really want good friends don’t let the difficulty of reaching out stop you.
Very good article! Right now I’m trying to figure out what exactly is going on in my head…
I believe I am also an introvert, as I am usually most comfortable by myself (and being around too many people at once kind of stresses me out, even though I don’t show it), but I guess I am also shy in the sense that I’m not just going to go up to a stranger and start a conversation. Since this is something that I’m trying to overcome, I wrote a blog post about it to kind of work through my thoughts on the matter. (I don’t know what your policy is on links, but here it is if you would like to read it…)
I found writing it kind of therapeutic… and I figured out that I relied heavily on things like school or work for making friends (environments where you are forced to interact and see the same people every day). But after I leave those environments, I have trouble keeping those friendships alive. I think it’s because the friendships never extended outside of school/work in the first place.
Anyway, sorry for rambling 😉 this comment ended up a lot longer than I planned.
Hi. Thanks for comment! I hear this a lot – that it’s hard to make friends after graduating. I’m confident that you can come up with the courage to make new friends and the ideas of where to find them.
I’ve only recently discovered that I am an introvert; That it’s not something weird about me, it’s actually my personality.
There is such a negative stigma attached to it that I have found in my own house(my mother thinks she failed at raising me properly.) I have the same problem with being great with socializing at work but sucking outside of it. Banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why. It is me? It is me but in the sense that I am barking up the wrong tree and having high expectations.
For forever I thought there was something wrong with me. What does it mean when your at an event/party and song you really like comes on but you don’t go to the dance floor. Introversion, shyness? I think I am mostly introverted a little shy but very outgoing and bubbly(someone actually described me as that) in the right circumstances.
Hi Gini. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with high expectations, but I think unrealistic high expectations can make life very frustrating.
If you routinely don’t go on the dance floor even though you want to, and don’t participate in other social things even though you want to, then it sounds like you’re shy. From your description it’s hard for me to know if you’re a shy introvert or shy extrovert.
This is super helpful, mostly because I know I’m not alone in being introverted.
I will take your advice- from the article and see how it goes.
You are definitely not alone in being introverted! I hope it goes well, Sam.
My problem is not “how” to make more friends, but “where” to find other introverts vs. more extroverts.
As you’ve said, introversion is not the same as shy. I have a million extroverted friends and keep making more. It’s easy to make friends in general. But I can’t find introverts. The extroverts go to the shared interest groups and other gatherings and so do I, hoping to find at least one true introverted friend, and instead I end up with 6 more extroverts wanting me to join their carpools of 20 people all going to loud events all weekend.
I love having that special one-on-one friendship with another who has deeper conversations, really tunes in, and you spend ongoing time with just that person. Each encounter builds on the last one, and each can actually remember a lot of what the other said the last time.
At one time my late husband was that friend for me (I’m a younger widow). Another time it was a female friend who has since moved out of state. Currently, I have close to 42 friends in real life and at least 50 more I can connect with as online friends. They do not fulfill my social needs. I want that one or two special others that I go places with where we’re not swept up by a mob of extroverts who engulf us and try to cast groupthink spells on us or accuse us of being shy and in need of reform (by them) when they find us hiding under a table plugging our ears because if we hear one more minute of incessant directionless, meaningless chatter we’ll explode.
I agree that all friendship’s usually start with small talk and I have reserves for short amounts of it, like 15 or 20 minutes with one nice other person vs. 6 hours with 30 others at the same time.
So for me not how, or when, but where. And yes, I’ve looked under tables before in case there’s another holding her ears. No luck so faar.
Hi Brenda.
That sounds very frustrating and annoying.
I have so many questions for you. What kind of shared interest groups do you go to? What’s the reaction of those 42 friends when you invite them to lunch or a museum, just the two of you? How do you know the other people aren’t introverts?
One large-scale study claims that 50% of the US population are introverts so I think it’s very likely that some of the people you’ve come across are introverts who think that extroverting is normal and so they shove themselves into that mold.
Last month I met up with three of my friends who are introverts. Here’s where I had met each of them:
*Twitter (saw she also lived in the same city so I tweeted hello to her)
*A knitting group
*A chamber of commerce sort of meeting.
btw, the imagery of us hiding under table holding our ears is great.