“You need to break out of your shell.”
Please, please, please do not say this to an introvert! In case my pleading isn’t enough to make you stop, here are five reasons why you should not say “you need to break out of your shell” to an introvert:
1. This sentence is something introverts have heard over and over again. Your words won’t feel like an epiphany. Instead, the phrase will feel like a familiar cliche repeatedly used to shame us.
2. Being on the receiving end of unsolicited advice is rarely welcome. Normally it’s at best annoying, at worst alienating. If you want to give advice, please ask permission first.
3. Someone in a shell might, in the long run, be happier after learning the skills necessary to step out of the shell. But you know what? They don’t need you to judge them, which is exactly how “You need to break out of your shell” feels.
4. There are times when the shell makes sense, and there are times when it doesn’t. Unless you know the person in question really well, who are you to say if this situation warrants them coming out of the shell?
5. They might not be in a shell. Sometimes introversion looks a lot like shyness or social anxiety. It’s even common for parents to mistake introversion for shyness. Unless you know the person very well, say if you’re their therapist or life coach, it’s very likely you could be misunderstanding the introvert’s behavior. Introverts feel depleted of energy after socializing, and gain energy by being in low-stimulation environments. Shyness, on the other hand, is often defined as the fear of public judgement. So unless you know the true reason behind a behavior you won’t know whether that person is hiding in their “shell” because they are scared, or if they just don’t have the energy to do whatever you are pressuring them to do.
I understand not everyone who says “You need to break out of your shell” is saying it from a place of judgement or wanting to shame. But you know what? That’s how it feels. If you want to encourage an introvert to grow, then support them and help them when they ask for help. If you have the type of relationship where the other person looks to you for advice, honesty, and a challenge, then for goodness’ sake choose words other than “You need to break out of your shell.” Try “How can I help you to try new experiences?”
