Joanna L K Moore runs Twisted Sleeve, where she helps shy girls get the confidence they need to do whatever they dream of doing.
How many times have you witnessed or heard about a situation in which a small child was told off or pitied for being “shy” or “quiet”?
We live in a world that values extroversion, class participation, and group work, so it’s no wonder that teachers, child-minders, and well-meaning friends feel the need to call parents out on their children’s quiet natures.
But drawing attention to children’s personality traits like this, in a way that marks them as undesirable and problematic, is not helpful. In fact, it can be quite damaging.
Our words teach children what to value
I once read an article that called for adults to stop complimenting little girls on their appearances. Think about how often girls are told they’re “cute” or asked “don’t you look pretty today?”
It’s no wonder that by the time girls become teenagers, after a childhood of being judged on their appearances, so many of them are concerned about their weight, and struggling with low self-esteem.
The words we use to describe children when they’re growing up determine what they understand to be “good.” Children hear us evaluating beauty, so they learn that it’s important to be attractive, and they struggle with confidence if they don’t believe they are attractive.
Similarly, when adults tell children they need to “speak up” or “be more outgoing, like Bradley”, they learn that Bradley’s got it right and that being quiet is bad. If a naturally quiet child takes on the belief that being quiet is a bad thing, that child is going to end up with low self-esteem.
Extroverted children are not “better” than introverted children
The assumption made by those who comment on children’s quietness is that extroverts do better in life. But studies have shown that introverted children tend to get better marks at school than their extroverted classmates and that introverted bosses can be more effective leaders than extroverts, because of their ability to listen to their teams.
We need to stop nagging introverted children to be louder because extroverts are not better than introverts. This world needs both introverts and extroverts, so there’s no need to push any child into being anything that it is not.
Introversion is not shyness
Another reason for misguided comments about children’s quietness is the confusion about what introversion actually is. Introverts get their energy from being alone. They are naturally quiet and tend to enjoy their own company, and so are often quiet around others and less sociable than extroverts. Shy people, on the other hand, fear social interaction. They are scared of being judged or of embarrassing themselves. They are quiet around others and avoid social situations, not because they don’t like them, but because they are uncomfortable in them.
Adults who comment on children’s quietness often fail to see the difference between shyness and introversion. They wrongly assume that all quiet children want to be and should be more outgoing, and push them to change.
And while shy children might benefit from this encouragement, provided it is given in the correct way, introverted children have nothing to gain from being pressured to be louder, and everything to lose. If you teach an introverted child that it is better to be loud and outgoing, you teach that child to devalue itself.
So let’s stop telling children they’re “too quiet” or “too shy”. Let’s stop teaching them that it’s bad to be the way they are. Instead, let’s try to understand each child and each child’s needs, and encourage that child to develop its strengths and to like itself the way it is.
BIO
Battling her British social awkwardness, Joanna L K Moore (Jo) runs Twisted Sleeve, where she helps shy girls get the confidence they need to do whatever they dream of doing. If you struggle with confidence, get her course, DIY Self-Esteem: How To Start Liking Yourself, which will teach you how to build self-esteem.
I completely agree! I so wish more teachers, employers, and church leaders would recognize that being quiet is not a character flaw.
Thanks for the article.
I have a few things to say about not saying much.
Thanks for your comment Marissa!
I read this article and I am extremely shy. I do not want people to comment on my shyness, even if they think they are helping. I agree that extroverted people are not any better than shy or introverted people, but I know I am shy and disagree with the idea of someone telling me to be more open, even if “done the correct way.” I have been called shy for so long that I really do not want to be noticed anymore. I do not like being called out for being shy. I was hoping this article would provide information for both introverted people and shy people based on the title of the article (I got this article from Jo’s newsletter). I am very disappointed.
Hi Nicole. I’m sorry you’re disappointed but I’m not sure what kind of information you were expecting. The title is “A Plea – Stop Telling Children They’re ‘Too Quiet.'” And the content of the article is her pleading for people to stop telling children they’re “Too Quiet.”
I had a different take on the phrase “done the correct way” than you did. I thought the phrase “done the correct way” was referring to the previous sentence which mentioned encouraging children who want to be more outgoing, and was not referring to commenting on a child’s shyness.
I really dislike it when people tell me I’m quiet, so I can imagine where you’re coming from. I hope people stop commenting on your shyness.
Thanks for the comment.
Great article! I think it would be ideal if teachers taught kids early in life the differences of introversion/extroversion, & keep teaching the concept of being equal in normalcy all through school. I remember feeling different from other kids & having a hard time making friends (still do!). I know 3 kids right now, all diagnosed with some sort of autism, all 3 hAve extroverts for parents. While I’m no expert, I can clearly see that they all are introverts & I wonder if the meltdowns they have in school isn’t because of autism but simply being overstimulated by hours of exposure to extroverted kids. The noise alone would drive me bonkers, I feel this is a huge problem for introverted youngsters, especially since the solution is usually pharmaceutical. Sad indeed.
It would be amazing if students were taught throughout school that we’re all different, and that there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. About those three kids you know, I’ve certainly had meltdowns as an adult after too much stimulation. Also, if a kid is very sensitive to stimulation like sounds, lights, etc., they might be a “Highly Sensitive Person.” Although most Highly Sensitive People are introverts, there are some HSP extroverts too.
Totally agree. My mother is always commenting on my 14 year old daughter in her presence about how quiet she is. The tone of voice suggests clearly that this is not a good thing. What I don’t understand is that my mother taught special education. Surely she knows all kids are different!
Ugh! Well, I’m glad your daughter has someone in her life who understands.