Part of my holiday survival for introverts series & resources.
Talking to family members about any kind of difference can be hard. For one, people tend to think that their own preferences and beliefs are normal and common (it’s called the false-consensus effect in psychology). And, when you live in an extrovert-focused society where introverts often pretend to be extroverts, it can really seem like introverts make up 1% of the population, when really we’re more like 50%. So, when you’re talking about differences with your family it may help to take a step back from perceptions and bring in the facts about introversion.
Take some time to learn about the facts. What is the difference between introversion and shy? If introversion and extroversion were a dichotomy, what percentage of people would be introverts (according to Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power, we make up 50.7%!). Do animals exhibit personality differences? If you decide that you’ll want to use facts when you’re talking to your family about your extroversion, be prepared to be challenged and questioned. How can you keep your confidence intact when you respond to a challenge?
Even if you don’t choose to use these facts when talking to your family about introversion and extroversion, they may help you to feel more confident. Why is it important to sound and feel confident and together (versus being unsure of yourself or angry) when talking to your family? One researcher (Mehrabian, 1981), found that 93 percent of communication of feelings and attitudes is nonverbal. This breaks down to:
• 7% of the message is communicated through the spoken word
• 38% of the message is communicated through your body language and the tone of your voice
• 55% is communicated through facial expressions.
Also, speak to your family members one-on-one. This will be a much easier situation to navigate than waiting to talk about personality differences when whole family is sitting around the table, staring at you after someone tells you you’re too quiet. When it comes to talking to your individual family members about your temperament, you may want to wait until the subject of personality (or really any) differences organically comes up in conversation – “Oh really? I hate horror movies, but love period dramas! You know another way I think we’re different? I tend to get really tired after about 2 hours of socializing. Even if I’m having a good time at a party, I can get really grumpy if I stay longer than two hours.”
After confidence, the second most important thing to remember when talking to your family about introversion is that they (probably) want to understand you, but they’re showing up to the conversation with their own wants, needs, and concerns. You may want the conversation to just be about them understanding you, but their wants and needs will probably crop up too.
Sometimes family members value third-party input. If they seem a little skeptical but interested in learning more, you may want to show them Susan Cain’s TED talk.
Ultimately though, you cannot make a person understand you. Some family members will be determined to not understand you or introversion. When this happens you may want to:
- *Respond to unsolicited advice without wasting your energy on fighting, and then change the subject. “Thank you; I’ll take that into consideration,” “I’m glad that works for you, I’ve noticed a different way works better for me,” “Thanks. I’ve done pretty well so far with my method and will stick with it.” ‘Thanks, but I’m doing fine.”
- *Move on with your life. What would occur if you focused on cultivating the positive things in your life? What if you focused on the more positive aspects of the relationship?
- *Remember your supporters. Who has your back? Do you have a significant other or friend who you can turn to who understands you?
- *Consider counseling. A relationship therapist is trained to help you.
Whatever happens, don’t blame yourself for your family’s lack of support. Family relationships can be very complicated and confusing. No matter what your family says, introverts can and are successful and happy, and whatever your family’s views are about introversion, you can be successful and happy too.
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