Introvert-introvert relationships might seem like a match made in energy-management heaven, but conflicts can occur.

I’ve been in a relationship with another introvert for over ten years. Here’s a few I’ve learned:

• Be ok with the other person staying at home while you go to a party. Two people not enjoying themselves does not equal one person enjoying themselves. And going alone to a party gives the other person a chance to be home alone in the evening. Letting the other person say No to a party without the guilt trip gives them more space to say Yes when it’s really important.
• Make leaving the house enjoyable for both people. Not every activity needs to be a together activity, but shared non-Netflix adventures are a great way to create happy memories. Whether one person wants to get out of the house more than the other, or life starts to feel “boring,” I suggest using ethical bribing – find a way to make getting out of the house interesting to both people. For instance, I maxed on museums after living in England for four years (it feels like we went to a museum at least once a week), but I will be much more likely (and happier) to go to a museum with my partner if she suggests we eat out at a good restaurant afterwards.
• Communicate downtime needs. Just because the two of you are introverts doesn’t mean you have the same downtime needs. The other introvert will understand your frequent need for quiet time, but it may take them years to accurately guess how much downtime you need. And not just how much, what kind of downtime can also vary between introverts. One introvert might need to be completely alone in order to recharge, while the other introvert might be able to recharge with a good book while there’s several other people in the room. Instead of spending years guessing what the other person needs in order to fully relax and recharge, try asking. And if you’re asked and don’t know your own needs try keeping an energy journal.
• Find out each other’s communication needs and don’t take their preferences personally. One person might have to process their emotions for a long time before they can discuss something. In her book Introverts in Love, Sophia Dembling talks about how she finds it easier to write down her emotions, and on a few occasions wrote down what she wanted to say then read it to her introverted husband who prefers to talk through conflicts.
• Divide crappy activities evenly in a way that feels fair. For instance, say both people prefer not to talk on the phone or ask sales associate questions, and one person dislikes both tasks more than the other. Instead of diving tasks based on who complains the most or expresses the most dislike, divide crappy tasks evenly. It’s not fair for one person to do all of the crappy activities, leaving the other one to only do what’s comfortable.
• Ask, trust the answer, and don’t get offended by questions. Sometimes when I sense that my partner is angry I’ll ask if it’s something I did, and I believe her if she answers No. Asking is a much simpler (and less stressful) approach than guessing and ruminating about what’s going on with the other person. Similarly, try not to get offended by questions. Chances are the other person does not have ESP.

Relationships are hard. When you find another introvert it might feel, at first, like the two of you intuitively understand everything about each other. But no two introverts are alike, and differences will surface. And ultimately that’s a good thing.

Have you signed the petition telling dictionaries that introvert is not the same as shy?

**The link to Introverts in Love is an Amazon affiliate link.