I’m sure you’ve heard of the Golden Rule – treat others how you want to be treated. It’s a good rule. If you wouldn’t want to be punched in the face, then don’t punch someone else in the face. If you wouldn’t want to be insulted, then don’t insult someone else. It’s pretty common sense, and serves as a basic reminder to be empathetic.
Except, if you try to apply the golden rule beyond the basic “don’t injure” and “don’t be cruel” situations it can turn out to be a very self-centered and unempathetic rule. We don’t all have the same values or the same desires. Just because you’d like to have a surprise birthday party thrown for you doesn’t mean someone else would (as this woman on Humans of New York found out). And then of course there are others that treat themselves badly and constantly chew themselves out.
Enter the Platinum Rule – treat others the way they want to be treated.
It sounds like a good rule to live by, doesn’t it? Or at least it sounded good to me, at first. It would be awesome if extroverts treated us the way we want to be treated. We could be invited to social gatherings, and if we decline there would be no guilt trips or weird looks. There would be an acknowledgment that we just have different needs, and there would be no infuriating “we need to break you out of your shell” comments.
But what about the flip side to that? What would happen if we treated extroverts the way they want to be treated? What if we went to every party we were invited to? What if we answered the phone every time they called? I’m making sweeping generalizations here of course about what an introvert or extrovert would want, but I think you get the idea.
I don’t want to go along with an extrovert’s every whim, nor do I actually think that extroverts should just stop talking to me and never call me on the telephone ever again.
Instead of living by the Platinum Rule or the Golden Rule, what if we lived by a new concept? I call it the Silver Guideline. It’s a combination of the Platinum Rule, Wheaton’s Law (“Don’t be a dick”) and self-compasion. Instead of pushing our desires on another person in the name of the Golden Rule, and instead of automatically ruling out our own desires and feelings in the name of the Platinum Rule, what if you “Treat others the way they want to be treated in a way that doesn’t make you miserable.” Ok, I admit it’s not quite as catchy, but I still think it’s a good guideline.
Don’t want to go to a cocktail party because you have too many other social commitments that week? Then don’t go, but don’t be rude when declining. Don’t want to go to a 50th birthday party because you have too many other social commitments that week? Go anyway, 50th birthdays are a big deal, but see if you can politely decline an invitation to one of the other parties.
